Nice Haircut, Doofus: The Pop Scene As It Should Be

Dear John,
I hate to dance. Really. I have this tribal dance that only makes appearances when I'm belligerent or hunting. While it wins laughs, it evokes no interpretive movement or expression. Nor does it keep the gentlemen wanting more. I have practiced (for more hours than I'd like to admit) to no avail. And so, I've decided that the problem lies in the music industry. There are no clubs that play music to dance to anymore. And so, I've created a playlist of REAL dance grooves that are compatible with most levels of dancing. These songs are suitable for anything from the snap-n'-sway to the pop-lock-it-drop-it. Music for everyone.

1. "One Headlight" by the Wallflowers
Put simply, this is the anthem of the 90s. Everyone knows the words. It serves as a nice appetizer for what is to come.
2. "Such Great Heights" by the Postal Service
Though hackneyed, this song is meant for strobe lights and eccentric dance moves. Everyone feels comfortable just doing their own thing with a jam like this.
3. "Five More Hours" by the Gabe Dixon Band
Although most think that this one is more suitable for a moody road trip, I am of the opinion that the jive-y chorus is ripe for all bodily interpretations. Salsa, anyone?
4. "Get Your Way" by Jamie Cullum
Who needs JT's revenge songs when this one suffices to include eccentric ex-girlfriends all kinds? A good "forget-that-bitch" saga
5. "Blue Moon" by The Mavericks
A 50s song that should have never retired. The Charleston, anyone?
6. "The Nothing Song" by Sigur Ros
Many think that this song is written in gibberish. In fact, this is the language spoken by a native tribe of Antartica.
7. "The World's Greatest" by R. Kelly
Laugh as you will, this song was pure genius
8. "Like A Rolling Stone" by Bob Dylan
This song has a tendency to be poorly covered by high school bands everywhere. While I scorn the quality of their attempts, I don't think that a school dance could exist without involving this song.
9. "Masasani" by Simon Ngobeni Na Vatsonga Sisters
By this point in the night, African tribal music should seem almost inevitable. Of course, people will cheer for my sweet renditions of African rituals.
10. "Badge" by Cream
This song went unnoticed during the reign of the Beatles. We must make up for lost time.
11. "Aubrey" by Bread
My namesake song. (other way around.) My parents were eccentrics.
12. "Captain Splendid" by Kara's Flowers
Back when Maroon 5 had a soul, they came out with this epic. It's best suited as a cool down.


Looking over these choices, it is apparent that none of them would be allowed in any respectable club. Maybe I'm not cut out for the rhythmic circuit. Hey, I'm just fine in front of the mirror jamming to "New Deep"